How to make a difficult decision
Have you ever dealt with decision paralysis? Every person has to make difficult decisions. I’m not talking about the trivial stuff, I know it can be hard deciding to have either tandoori chicken or a burrito bowl for dinner. I’m talking about big decisions that have profound impacts on your life trajectory. This can be deciding to leave a job that no longer feels fulfilling, to not partake in a promising business venture, or to break up with a significant other realizing that you may not have a future together.
Are you rushing it?
If you take anything out of this article, the one thing that’s most important, is to take your time. In this fast paced world of hustling and exploding job offers, we feel pressured to make decisions quickly. Time is a finite resource, but you need to do everything in your power to extend those deadlines. If you make an uninformed decision now, it’ll just sink a bunch of your time in the future, or worse you regret the choice you made. Even if you’re super confident that you know what you want, I urge you to still take time before pulling the trigger, you might be surprised what you discover. No major decision should be rushed. Be patient with yourself and once you take that pressure off, you will have the space to process the implications of your choices.
What are your core values?
Different things are important to different people. Each individual is a unique bundle of experiences, circumstances and knowledge. To make an informed decision you can’t just jump at an opportunity because it’s exciting or because it feels right. Nor can you just decide based on what the people around you are doing. Yes, it’s good to consider how others approach these conflicts, but they’re not you. Personally, I get confused about decisions when I conflate my values with what I think is best for me or what other people will say about my decision. I find that if you make choices based on the wrong value systems, you make choices that won’t keep you happy. So sit down and think about what matters most to you. It helps to make a list and number your values by how much they matter.
Have you considered what others would do?
Perspective is what you’re looking for when you want to make a decision. I did just mention that you should stay true to your own core values, but it can be insightful to see how others would think through this decision. When you get fixated on your point of view, you’re falling into a bias and missing considerations that others would make.
Put yourself in the shoes of people that have different circumstances, or differing values from yourself. This can be people you know or someone completely outside your situation. Obviously, putting yourself in someone’s shoes is not the same as getting their direct opinions, so if you can, talk to them! Once again, don’t just talk to your friends who think similar to you, reach out to people who are different from you and see what their thought processes look like. Remember that whoever you’re talking to isn’t you, so reflect back on your core values with any new perspective you gain.
Are you overwhelmed yet?
All this time spent thinking about your values and talking to people and you still haven’t landed on a decision? It can be overwhelming when there are so many moving pieces. I find myself falling into these types of thought patterns all the time…
UGH, my job doesn’t interest me, but my coworkers are the best.
UGH, the business venture’s going to be a struggle, but think about what I’ll learn in the process.
UGH, I don’t know if there’s a future with her, but she’s everything I ever wanted in a life partner.
This tends to happen to me when both paths of the decision are aligned with different core values. To get past this, it helps to break down and organize all your thoughts on some paper. I’m a huge fan of journaling and think it’s the best way to work through your decisions. Here’s how I would use my journal to work through this:
- Get it all out: Write everything out — don’t worry about organizing your thoughts or figuring out what’s going on in your head. The purpose of this is not to land on a decision, but to get all your thoughts out. Having things in writing makes it less cloudy, rather than keeping it all bundled up in your brain. Also, starting with a less focused intention leads to a less biased outcome.
- Understanding your emotions: Each decision comes with emotional and practical reasoning. The best way to work through this is to separate your objective and subjective thinking. Personally, I feel that it’s best to focus more on the practical reasoning. Emotions aren’t as concrete and are clouded by your internal state. Read through what you wrote out in step 1. Take time to understand what parts of your decision are more “This will make me feel *blank*” vs “This will mean *blank*”.
- Considering the future: Now to explore the future of each decision. For each possible path, take time to write out where it’ll take you in 6 months, 1 year and 5 years down the road. Its good to keep your values in mind, but you don’t want to fall into a bias or a future fallacy. Remember that the future you’re imagining isn’t concrete, things can change and what you think you want can change too. Thinking about this will bring up possibilities that you may not be able to live with, or make you realize that the possible future of one path tremendously outweighs the other. Try your best not to get further overwhelmed by the uncertainty, it’s worthless to worry about anything out of your control. The main purpose of this step is to make sure you aren’t missing any considerations or alternatives.
- The pros and cons list (kinda): This is where you put it all together. Make a two-sided table (or more if there’s >2 actions you can take) — each space representing your future based on the decision. Now write down the reasons you would choose either, taking into account the emotions that you discovered in step 2. I like to get two colored pens — blue for pros and red for cons. I also add arrows between the two sides to correlated how making one choice may directly relate or conflict with the other.
- Finally, Space: Go play some basketball, or practice guitar, or whatever you do for fun. Get away from it and sleep on the decision. It’s good to go do something that keeps you distracted from thinking about it altogether. Don’t feel like you’re avoiding the decision, especially if you’ve already started thinking about it. This lets your brain digest and if you can sleep on it you may wake up tomorrow with a different perspective. Coming back with fresh eyes, you can review your pros and cons list and maybe add any new discoveries you’ve made now.
Are you overthinking it?
The gist of this article is to think your choices through. Ironically, you may be overthinking the decision altogether. At some point you need to pull the trigger. You can contemplate and think about a decision forever, but you may be frozen by the fear of taking an action you’ll regret. Once you’ve sufficiently thought it through, there isn’t anything that should be stopping you from doing what you believe is best. Some factors will never be concrete, and some you’ll never be 100% about. Regret is scary, but you have to trust that you did everything in your power to make an informed decision. Don’t be scared and take action.
Final thoughts
I know pondering and journaling isn’t everyone’s favorite way to work through decisions. You might have gotten through this whole writing piece and have no intention of following how I get through decisions. Everyone’s process is different, so try to take what works best for you and go with it. Personally, I’ve been dealing with many big decisions lately, and I thought I’d share what’s been working for me. Feel free to comment with your thoughts, big decisions you’re currently dealing with, and if there’s any helpful tips you have. I hope this helps you make your next big decision.
Stay tuned and stay curious!
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